Tip 119: Crane your neck.

If your saddle is higher than your handlebars - and you have little chance of becoming the object of a wistful missed connections entry if it isn't - you know neck strain.
On the long trip from your basement "loft" to attend class, pull espressos or occupy wherever, you will become a sort of super yogi, capable of holding a tendon- tearing position for hours on end.
The alternative, of being hypnotised by a spinning front wheel, is a pretty good way of testing the strength of your front wheel compared to the panel on the passenger door of a turning car.

BONUS TIP: Ride far enough like that and as you walk down the street, you will appear to forever be contemplating the clouds, unable to lower your eyes to human level. You need to swap to an upright dutch bike when the missed connections entries start overwhelmingly coming from your BFFs / parents/ housemates.

Tip 110: Ring your bell at a pedestrian.

Don't ask why the pedestrian effects a startled pirouette that takes up more path-space when the bell is rung. It's just the way it is: like rain on your wedding day, or a free ride, when you've already paid.

BONUS TIP: Beneath an experienced thumb, the bell can be rung at exactly the right distance to ensure the pedestrian's turn coincides exactly with a handlebar to the genitals and a crumpler bag into the visage. If there's not a YouTube channel for this yet, there ought to be.

Tip 109: The Farmers' Market Pumpkin Emergency

Low-milage vegetables sing a siren song to the inner-urban 30-plus hipster - much like the bottom shelf of the boxed wine section cajoled their early-20s selves.
Arriving by car is a shameful act of bourgeosieism, even if it is a Subaru with cyclocross stickers / high-credibility carbon fibre product perched on it. Go by two wheels.
Remember this, however: root vegetables are peril.  Load a bunch of local carrots, spuds and a biodynamic pumpkin into your pannier, and when you cross the Elizabeth St tram tracks you're gonna hear a noise that means you've popped a screw out of your rear rack and snapped a swag of spokes.

BONUS TIP: Tweet the following: "Attack of the killer potatoes! locavorism ruined my bike!  :| "
Then hit the net to buy replacement components made in Taiwan, branded in New York, packaged in plastic and shipped by air. You don't need to tweet that.

Tip 100: Get in the inside lane

Much like smoking cured banana peels, you have no idea if this is legal, but sometimes you have to do it anyway.
When traffic in the outside lane is an MC Escher clusterfuck of blundering taxis, death-crazed pedestrians and a learner driver ruining a reverse park, you crave the clean free asphalt of the inside lane.
You headcheck and go.  It's so nice! It's so familiar! But sneakily its dangerous and different.  You're out of your element. Traffic is passing you on the wrong side. Yipes. Like Marty McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy,  you've got to get back home, and you just need the right amount of speed to get you there.

BONUS TIP: The mad professor that will arrive in the nick of time save you from being crushed by a head-check-hating, SUV-piloting mother-of-two is in this case not Doc Emmett played by Christopher Lloyd.
It is you, and the conveniently timed burst of lightning that will power you home is gonna have to come out of those legs.

Tip 90: Ride on holiday.

If you want to take a rapid descent from cycle-chic to cycle-freak, pick up a hire-bicycle on holiday.
Take one aluminium bicycle with components from the Shimano Cacophony range, add one jet-lagged out-of towner, throw a Lonely Planet into the front basket and immediately start going in the wrong direction.

BONUS TIP: From Ballarat to Boise, locals are in awe of how the tourist cyclist enjoys their merry japes - despite bike handling skills and route selection that would immediately mark citizens for the red squidgy death.

Tip 85: Let your significant other dictate how many bikes you own

Once there are bikes in the bedroom and the loungeroom, and the many important differences between a cyclocross bike and a fully rigid mountain bike are something you can no longer successfully explain, you may realize there is a hidden clause: Til death do us part, except if another effing bike shows up in this house.

BONUS TIP: Steal back your independence by letting loose on cycling jerseys.

Tip 80: Ride sauced

At .05: Consider the application of drink driving statutes to two- wheeled vehicles.
At .10: Consider riding with no hands and/or bunny hopping road furniture for lols.
At .15: Consider riding with one eye closed, so there are no longer two of every car you pass.
At .20: Consider whether, if the pros can ride and eat without stopping; you might be able to ride and spew.
At .25: consider how impressive it would be if you rode home nude, like Mario Cipollini.

BONUS TIP: UBIs - or unidentified beer injuries - are the police, judge and eventually the 12-step program for the habitually pissy cyclist.

Tip 77: Rock helmet hair

Half horizontal, half vertical, unpredictable and very sweaty, helmet hair is so desirable because it is a direct metaphor for sex.

BONUS TIP:  When Garnier drop their new "Stackhat" range of styling products this spring, everyone will have the look. Get it before the trend spreads and the backlash begins.

Tip 75: Put your lights in your pockets

Forget the effect on your slinky silhouette, you can't leave those Knogs on the bike. 
You're going to have to put them in your pockets or they'll be gone before you're down the block.  Jam them in there with your phone and wallet, and if it looks like your pants have the mumps, so be it

BONUS TIP:  If they accidentally turn on later when you're on the dance-floor, it will look like there's a whole other disco going on in your pants. Can that be a bad thing?

Tip 71: Make a weird noise

When a taxi door swings out at you in traffic you probably imagine you'll say something sharp, like 'Watch out fuck head!' Or something clever, like 'Are you inviting me in?' as you narrowly sweep past.
Most likely though, you'll say 'aannnfgghrr' and ride away feeling like you just emulated a mating baboon.

BONUS TIP: Do not succumb to the temptation to elaborate the baboon impression. Do not throw faeces. Neither should you rub your swollen red behind on their passenger window at the next traffic light.

Tip 62: Carry something awkward

Sometimes you need to do cargo.
Unless your commute is to work as a double bassist in the symphony orchestra you're gonna struggle. Practice in advance of the unexpected.
Perhaps go by bike to fetch a new bath, buy a dozen cases of beer at the store, or ride your record-breaking squash to the county fair.

BONUS TIP: If you can carry more than 1000 bananas by bike, make sure you record the event and upload it to YouTube, because you are "hangin' with a cool bunch," as they say.

Tip 59: Have your bike stolen

If your love is taken from you too soon - in the phase where you lock up both wheels and fall asleep with it in your arms- when you return to the lamp post and find your D-lock in twain you are likely to fill a page with florid despairing verse and fling yourself from the roof of a Ray's Bikes outlet.
Later, you pass full days without even thinking about the machine you swore devotion to. At this stage, if the shadow-dwelling hacksaw man absconds with your ride, you won't be half way through the cab trip home before thinking about what you'll replace it with.

BONUS TIP: Tell yourself you'll buy a cheap commuter you can afford to have taken. Once in the bike shop, you'll wonder if you can afford not to get a SRAM red set up.

Tip 56: iPhone and ride

When the phone pings in the pocket of your Rapha shants, you can try to let it sit.
But the amount of time that messages sits unread, the more its potential importance grows. 
A callback on that audition?
An article published in that zine?
A game of dungeons and dragons about to start?
While you've got your phone out, well, you could easily check your tweets on this long straight stretch.  And look, your nemesis has taken their turn in Words With Friends.

BONUS TIP: Of course, you are aware of the tremendous risk inherent in doing this:  You could drop your phone on the road and end up with spider-web screen. 

Tip 52: Go by car

All good cross training involves something that will stress different muscles while putting pressure on your cardio-vascular system.
I recommend Punt Rd traffic.
Your heart rate will soar like a 12 per cent climb, and your fellow traffic-makers will see you engage in serious verbal gymnastics as you seek out the one foulest word that encapsulates your feelings for them.

BONUS TIP:
Deploy a variety of obscenities to work on your lip and tongue muscles - if everyone in your way is just a "fuck-wit", you're not going to get that all-over-toned look that really shows off your mouth.

Tip 40: Drop your chain

The most common time to drop a chain is when overtaking someone only marginally slower.  Things feel awesome, for a moment.  The feeling Wile E. Coyote gets when he runs off a cliff.
You look down. You realise your feet are spinning not because you're suddenly Cadel Evans below the hip following the world's swiftest leg transplant, but because you are no longer connected. The rider you just overtook will not acknowledge you standing there as they pass.

BONUS TIP: Grasp that chain like it is a king cobra, fix it, then boldly wipe your hands on your linens.
And the rest of your day. Can just go to hell.

Tip 28: Stop in front of someone

Who's this douche-bag? Is that a dutch bike?  With flat tires? 
I reckon I can take him when this light turns green.  
I'll just stop here in the pedestrian crossing so I can take off first. 
Now, let me check my facebook.  What? No new notifications?  Maybe I'd be more popular if I got a new bike? Would that make a difference? It's probably my haircut.
Maybe I'll post about getting rid of this fringe. Could I go for a an undercut? maybe a mohawk, or would that look silly with this moustache? 
Wha? 
Why is the douche-bag overtaking me?  
Oh ... green light ... 

BONUS TIP: Ignore the death-stare when you stop in front of him at the next intersection.

Tip 19: Slip off your pedal and hit your shin

If cycling is a spreadsheet of good and bad, then lurching down as you slip off your pedal and feel the sharp part of it tear the thin cover of flesh and nerves on your shinbone is a big entry in the bad column that will cause the total to just look like #####. 

 BONUS TIP: Adjust column width.

Tip 13: Smack bad cars

Like you are a repressed English public schoolmaster and they are your delinquent pupils.

BONUS TIP:  There will not be detention for profanity.  Cut loose.