Tip 115: Wear a helmet inside

You may *know* you look dorky but subconsciously, you've forgotten. Otherwise you wouldn't have walked in wearing that stupid plastic hat.

No matter what claims are made about the charms of helmets - when you step off the bike, hotness rushes out like air from a thumb-tacked tire.

BONUS TIP: If you thought a Mohawk, a skinhead or a hijab were socially divisive, try wearing a helmet into a hipster bar.  Some tattooed douchebag will start up the helmet debate, and there'll be blood all over the ironic decor before you're able to leave.

Tip 92: Spot a celebrity on a bike

Is that Rove Mc-freaking-Manus? Cool! Wait. What is he riding? A Huffy? I can't believe I thought he was cool.

BONUS TIP: Tell the story like this: "Guess what. I saw a poorly maintained huffy out on the street this morning.... And who was riding it? None other than Rove Mc-freaking-Manus! I know! What a dork!"

Tip 87: Ride with no hands

A few things your 14 year old self was proficient at adult you cannot do.
Eating whole packets of skittles is one of them, as is wagging class and having faith in the political system.
In this illustrious company is riding with no hands.
14-year old you depended on this daring display to compensate for the total absence of other ways to impress the opposite sex, as well as to facilitate eating skittles while riding.
The adult cyclist clings to the bars like their jobs, superannuation and home-owning aspirations depend on it.

BONUS TIP: No hands riding is like baking a diamond into your Christmas pudding. You might break a tooth, but you'll feel so much richer.

Tip 77: Rock helmet hair

Half horizontal, half vertical, unpredictable and very sweaty, helmet hair is so desirable because it is a direct metaphor for sex.

BONUS TIP:  When Garnier drop their new "Stackhat" range of styling products this spring, everyone will have the look. Get it before the trend spreads and the backlash begins.

Tip 75: Put your lights in your pockets

Forget the effect on your slinky silhouette, you can't leave those Knogs on the bike. 
You're going to have to put them in your pockets or they'll be gone before you're down the block.  Jam them in there with your phone and wallet, and if it looks like your pants have the mumps, so be it

BONUS TIP:  If they accidentally turn on later when you're on the dance-floor, it will look like there's a whole other disco going on in your pants. Can that be a bad thing?

Tip 66: Feel abnormal

You've just emerged from a big meeting and stand by the road shaking hands with important men in very fine suits. They stand on the side of the road looking for taxis. 
Your bike is right there, but you suddenly feel an absence of pride in it, the presence of a sort of weirdness.  Is this shame? 
Do you take the four steps to where your bike is locked and mount it, or wait til they have gone? What will people think?

BONUS TIP: Revel in bike-shame while it lasts. Way things are going, it's something the fixie-buyers of today will never experience.

Tip 60: Tear your trousers in your chain

Here's how it goes - you're wearing Daffy Duck socks, so you forego the rolling up of suit pant that normally exposes such a beautifully defined calf. Instead you throw caution to the wind. An unpropitious gust immediately blows that fine fabric back between the teeth of the cog and the grip of the chain. Putain de merde!

BONUS TIP: The size of the tear that results is a fair power meter. If the rent proceeds to the thigh, you may well be Cadel Evans. Thanks for reading, Cadel.

Tip 58: High visibilty vest

I'm a dork. I'm a big fat dork.

BONUS TIP: Dorky dork dork dork.

Tip 56: iPhone and ride

When the phone pings in the pocket of your Rapha shants, you can try to let it sit.
But the amount of time that messages sits unread, the more its potential importance grows. 
A callback on that audition?
An article published in that zine?
A game of dungeons and dragons about to start?
While you've got your phone out, well, you could easily check your tweets on this long straight stretch.  And look, your nemesis has taken their turn in Words With Friends.

BONUS TIP: Of course, you are aware of the tremendous risk inherent in doing this:  You could drop your phone on the road and end up with spider-web screen. 

Tip 46: Panniers

Get the leather ones with tassels. Wear spurs and a large-brimmed hat that can trail behind you when you go fast.
Refer to your bike as a steed, chew tobacco and carry a revolver. Cars won't mess with you. No-one will.

BONUS TIP: Ride a tall bike, and measure its height in "hands". Refer to the guys you ride with as a posse. Start a brawl in a saloon. Fill your panniers with beef jerky. Yee-hah!

Tip 37: Keep your old bike

An old steel bike can outrun a planned-obselesence avalanche.  While all others are leaping from 105 to Ultegra and Di2 like rock climbers on a pitch of loose shale, you (and your bank account) are still and solid.

BONUS TIP: Do you see Luke Skywalker upgrading his light sabre between Star Wars and Return of the Jedi? No. (although, that's probably only because it wasn't an Apple product.)

Tip 33: Rapha

Look at me.

La di da.

Rapha cycling wear

BONUS TIP:  Oooh la la

Tip 32: See some colleagues naked

Capitalism's hidden heart is a reliance on humans' love for one another.

It is non-market transactions, internal to the firm, that dominate the economy.

This is where cycling fits into capitalism's cunning plan. When you get a daily eyeful of your colleagues' junk in the change rooms at work, a certain bond is forged. 

As it revulses, it creates a lattice of understanding and teamwork that strengthens the corporate behemoths.

BONUS TIP: When getting dressed, for the love of god, put your underpants on first. Why fuss over your windsor knot before you've even clad your nuts?

Tip 20: Think about removing your pie plate

It serves no function, but does it really serve no function?
Is removing it bowing to some sort of fashion police edict?
Would they put it on if it really did *absolutely* nothing?
Is this the first step to socklessly rocking boat shoes, or casually throwing on a Dolce and Gabbanna tie to ride your track set-up in a variety of shades of lime? Hmm.

BONUS TIP: Take it off, sure, of course. But leave those wheel reflectors on just in case.