Tip 98: Crime Spree

You're Ned Kelly, on a crime spree. 
Break one law, just makes you want to break another.
In one ride you've racked up enough demerit points to take every licensed driver off the roads, enough fines to pay back the national debt.
The police have just one problem.  They're not fast enough to catch you.

BONUS TIP: After the judge sees how many one-way streets you rolled through, you'll probably end up on death row.  Riding the bike you made out of soap round the exercise yard, waiting and waiting for that pardon to arrive, you'll stare down at your crude prison-cell cycling tattoos and your perfectly sculpted quadriceps, and yearn for the freedom to stop at a stop sign.

Tip 52: Go by car

All good cross training involves something that will stress different muscles while putting pressure on your cardio-vascular system.
I recommend Punt Rd traffic.
Your heart rate will soar like a 12 per cent climb, and your fellow traffic-makers will see you engage in serious verbal gymnastics as you seek out the one foulest word that encapsulates your feelings for them.

BONUS TIP:
Deploy a variety of obscenities to work on your lip and tongue muscles - if everyone in your way is just a "fuck-wit", you're not going to get that all-over-toned look that really shows off your mouth.

Tip 38: Make a show of obeying the law

You're gonna stop at a light? Own it. 

Acceptable flourishes include the super-slow stop, the look-around, the impeccable posture, and the excessively careful acceleration. Don't waste this chance to show the world cyclists are citizens, upright and true.

BONUS TIP: *Tsk*ing at anyone else you see bombing that intersection is acceptable, but yelling has greater effect.  

Tip 4: Run a Red

Colour blindness afflicts men more than women.  Keep that factlet in your back pocket.  Cause if you cycle properly eventually you'll be having a little chat about the rule of law with some uniformed  protozoa with father issues.
He won't appreciate your perspective on the way the nanny state oppresses, so get all sciencey on his arse. How can you have known what colour that light was with your debilitating disability?
Even if it doesn't stop you getting the old baton to the back of the knees, you'll be able to crumple to the ground aware you've given him the sort of knowledge that distinguishes him from his peers and all but locks in his next promotion.

BONUS TIP: A lady cop just needs a wink from an outlaw and it'll be her going all weak at the knees.