Tip 113: Taco a wheel

There are parts of this town a bike should not go to after dark. 

It's a sad day when we have to say the victim should have known better, but certain places attracts a certain kind of passer-by who think a bike is asking to have their wheel stomped.  

They make tacos out wheels and they laugh in the face of justice. 

Be. Careful. Out. There.

BONUS TIP: Rumours of citizens of this town returning to their bike to find the wheels not only taco-ed but stuffed with beans, jalapenos, spiced mince and sour cream are - the police insist - urban myth.  Leading constable Peta McDonald said in a statement this month that a comprehensive search of non-classified bike crime files provided no support for persistent rumours of a twisted bike psychopath defiling the city's bikes with a cruel parody of one of the globe's tastiest cuisines.

Tip 101: Ride on the sidewalk

You are not a criminal. You endorse taxation, smile at police officers and keep your beard neatly trimmed. You read the world news section as you patiently wait for your morning espresso. You play it straighter than a gay 18 year old home for Christmas.
But sometimes a citizen *has* to ride on the sidewalk. A bike-lane went all Houdini on you.  It's safer than salmoning. It's faster.  Whatever.
So you take a little walk on the wildside. 
Look out.
You might catch your handlebar in the apron of a waiter delivering chicken soup to pavement diners, and end up being punched by a hungry mob while wallowing in broth.
You might have a little tete-a-tete with a car exiting a driveway.
You will certainly meet the quiet assassins: cross streets. The more insignificant the street, the more likely its gutters are precipices. Unless your frame is made of composites taken from a stoner's beanbag, you're gonna feel that jolt all the way up your spine.

BONUS TIP: Worse than cross streets is cross pedestrians.  Noone knows when the foot-borne tribes got up to scratch with the law, but many are aware bicycles are vehicles under the law. They will recite statutes, lecture in shrill voices, grasp at your clothing. Nod sagely but don't dismount. You're not a criminal, remember?

Tip 98: Crime Spree

You're Ned Kelly, on a crime spree. 
Break one law, just makes you want to break another.
In one ride you've racked up enough demerit points to take every licensed driver off the roads, enough fines to pay back the national debt.
The police have just one problem.  They're not fast enough to catch you.

BONUS TIP: After the judge sees how many one-way streets you rolled through, you'll probably end up on death row.  Riding the bike you made out of soap round the exercise yard, waiting and waiting for that pardon to arrive, you'll stare down at your crude prison-cell cycling tattoos and your perfectly sculpted quadriceps, and yearn for the freedom to stop at a stop sign.

Tip 80: Ride sauced

At .05: Consider the application of drink driving statutes to two- wheeled vehicles.
At .10: Consider riding with no hands and/or bunny hopping road furniture for lols.
At .15: Consider riding with one eye closed, so there are no longer two of every car you pass.
At .20: Consider whether, if the pros can ride and eat without stopping; you might be able to ride and spew.
At .25: consider how impressive it would be if you rode home nude, like Mario Cipollini.

BONUS TIP: UBIs - or unidentified beer injuries - are the police, judge and eventually the 12-step program for the habitually pissy cyclist.

Tip 51: Tangle with the law

You'll be neat and tidy as a pin,
helmet strap snug beneath your chin.
Cruising along the bicycle lane,
reflecting on Miguel Indurain.
When out of traffic shall arrive,
A police car to make you swerve and dive.
they'll clip your wheel, sirens wailing,
while you go flying with limbs flailing.

BONUS TIP: Pick yourself up, red and sore
Don't feel frightened to reproach the law.

Tip 48: Try mountain biking

Trees are the cars of mountain biking, but if one collides with you, it's harder to get your buddies to back you up that it wasn't your fault.

BONUS TIP: squirrels are the pedestrians of mountain biking - constantly emerging from nowhere and risking their skinny mammalian necks. Big jumps are the police cars of the forest - audacious riding will be punished and meekness rewarded. Swallow your pride, rookie. Dismount and walk past, if you have to.

Tip 38: Make a show of obeying the law

You're gonna stop at a light? Own it. 

Acceptable flourishes include the super-slow stop, the look-around, the impeccable posture, and the excessively careful acceleration. Don't waste this chance to show the world cyclists are citizens, upright and true.

BONUS TIP: *Tsk*ing at anyone else you see bombing that intersection is acceptable, but yelling has greater effect.  

Tip 4: Run a Red

Colour blindness afflicts men more than women.  Keep that factlet in your back pocket.  Cause if you cycle properly eventually you'll be having a little chat about the rule of law with some uniformed  protozoa with father issues.
He won't appreciate your perspective on the way the nanny state oppresses, so get all sciencey on his arse. How can you have known what colour that light was with your debilitating disability?
Even if it doesn't stop you getting the old baton to the back of the knees, you'll be able to crumple to the ground aware you've given him the sort of knowledge that distinguishes him from his peers and all but locks in his next promotion.

BONUS TIP: A lady cop just needs a wink from an outlaw and it'll be her going all weak at the knees.