Tip 117: Lift a bike

Choosing a bike is not easy, and the pressure in the bike shop is all too real. There's one thing anyone can do to look wise, and that's lift a bike up.

You need to make a face as you lift it.

• If it's light your mouth should turn down as your eyebrows shoot up.  
• If it's heavy your eyebrows crease down and your mouth stays still.  Don't show exertion.

BONUS TIP: Encourage any companions present to lift it. When they do, say "See?"

Tip 68: Disappoint a bike shop employee.

They are like Big Puppy Dogs, and the prospect of you buying a bike is like the prospect of a walk. Browsing round the shop, talking geometry and composite materials is like waving a lead and bouncing a tennis ball.
Before long they're drooling uncontrollably and bounding round, trying to sell you anything, anything - a Trek Madone? this used cruiser? a ladies' cargo recumbent?
When you walk out that door without laying down your MasterCard don't look back, or you'll see the saddest eyes in the universe.
BONUS TIP: Shop guy is no poodle push-over. He is smart like a border collie, and if you try this too often he will poo on your front lawn.

Tip 59: Have your bike stolen

If your love is taken from you too soon - in the phase where you lock up both wheels and fall asleep with it in your arms- when you return to the lamp post and find your D-lock in twain you are likely to fill a page with florid despairing verse and fling yourself from the roof of a Ray's Bikes outlet.
Later, you pass full days without even thinking about the machine you swore devotion to. At this stage, if the shadow-dwelling hacksaw man absconds with your ride, you won't be half way through the cab trip home before thinking about what you'll replace it with.

BONUS TIP: Tell yourself you'll buy a cheap commuter you can afford to have taken. Once in the bike shop, you'll wonder if you can afford not to get a SRAM red set up.

Tip 49: Go Somewhere!

Sometimes you're riding to keep your quads toned. Sometimes you want to make the air rush across your face-skin.  Sometimes you're burning off a half pack of caramel Tim Tams that you DID NOT EVEN enjoy eating.
Sometimes you're burning through the hilpster ghetto trying to make the girls with tattoos notice you. (Maybe they'll get your name tattooed on them?)  {RDNG TIPS}
But sometimes you're after spatial displacement; sometimes the things and people you need are far from here; sometimes you have to surrender to the geographical economics of your city and just fucking eat up the miles. Revel in it.

 BONUS TIP: Don't lie to yourself about the Tim Tams.

Tip 43: Get lied to in a bikeshop

Because the bikeshop has worked its vaporising magic on your critical capacity, it will feel fine - better than fine.
It will feel like you are garnering essential truths from a grease-stained guru.

Bikeshop Guy tells you that small bottle of chain lube is cheap at $24.99, it is cheap.
Bikeshop Guy tells you the new year's models of Treks are no good,  they are no good.
Bikeshop Guy tells you you are mad to run Ultegra, you are mad to run Ultegra.
Bikeshop Guy is a thin, earnest, bearded version of Big Brother.

BONUS TIP: Try not to make important life decisions in a bike shop.

Tip 37: Keep your old bike

An old steel bike can outrun a planned-obselesence avalanche.  While all others are leaping from 105 to Ultegra and Di2 like rock climbers on a pitch of loose shale, you (and your bank account) are still and solid.

BONUS TIP: Do you see Luke Skywalker upgrading his light sabre between Star Wars and Return of the Jedi? No. (although, that's probably only because it wasn't an Apple product.)