Tip 118: Be a paragon of virtue

Never ever overtake on the left.  Signal each manouevre.  Announce you're passing.  Pump your tires.  Shoal nobody. Look both ways at cross streets even when you have right of way. Stop to help people with punctures.
Inspire your fellow riders to exalted displays of refined behaviour with a messianic display of flawlessness. Never rest.

BONUS TIP: If you collect a bunch of 12 guys you love to ride with, and they take your word as gospel, and then you all go out for one last supper, and one of them gives you a kiss, it would be safe to be worried about your immediate future.

Tip 100: Get in the inside lane

Much like smoking cured banana peels, you have no idea if this is legal, but sometimes you have to do it anyway.
When traffic in the outside lane is an MC Escher clusterfuck of blundering taxis, death-crazed pedestrians and a learner driver ruining a reverse park, you crave the clean free asphalt of the inside lane.
You headcheck and go.  It's so nice! It's so familiar! But sneakily its dangerous and different.  You're out of your element. Traffic is passing you on the wrong side. Yipes. Like Marty McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy,  you've got to get back home, and you just need the right amount of speed to get you there.

BONUS TIP: The mad professor that will arrive in the nick of time save you from being crushed by a head-check-hating, SUV-piloting mother-of-two is in this case not Doc Emmett played by Christopher Lloyd.
It is you, and the conveniently timed burst of lightning that will power you home is gonna have to come out of those legs.

Tip 21: Get overtaken by a faster cyclist

Getting overtaken is like milk - it comes in two forms. One cold and easy to digest, the other lumpy, sour and makes you choke.

Type 1 is over before it began. Before you know a blur in your peripheral vision resolves into a lycra clad ghost that disappears over the horizon. You barely have time to register a pair of tightly defined calves moving like hairless metronomes before they're gone.

Type 2 is slow. The sound of grinding gears approaches. There is breathing. You may speed up, to discourage a pass, you may slow down to expedite it.  It matters not.  After what seems like forever, the (slightly) faster cyclist takes their chance and moves ahead, torso twisting violently as they push their plastic pedals, sweat evident on their brow.  

They make slow progress on increasing the gap, leaving you to catalogue a million reasons you aren't going fast today.

BONUS TIP: Of course you can remind yourself it's not a race. But you'll gain about as much satisfaction as from tickling yourself.