Don't ask why the pedestrian effects a startled pirouette that takes up more path-space when the bell is rung. It's just the way it is: like rain on your wedding day, or a free ride, when you've already paid.
BONUS TIP: Beneath an experienced thumb, the bell can be rung at exactly the right distance to ensure the pedestrian's turn coincides exactly with a handlebar to the genitals and a crumpler bag into the visage. If there's not a YouTube channel for this yet, there ought to be.
Urban Riding Tips: Cycling the city
Showing posts with label Pedestrians. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pedestrians. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Tip 101: Ride on the sidewalk
You are not a criminal. You endorse taxation, smile at police officers and keep your beard neatly trimmed. You read the world news section as you patiently wait for your morning espresso. You play it straighter than a gay 18 year old home for Christmas.
But sometimes a citizen *has* to ride on the sidewalk. A bike-lane went all Houdini on you. It's safer than salmoning. It's faster. Whatever.
So you take a little walk on the wildside.
Look out.
You might catch your handlebar in the apron of a waiter delivering chicken soup to pavement diners, and end up being punched by a hungry mob while wallowing in broth.
You might have a little tete-a-tete with a car exiting a driveway.
You will certainly meet the quiet assassins: cross streets. The more insignificant the street, the more likely its gutters are precipices. Unless your frame is made of composites taken from a stoner's beanbag, you're gonna feel that jolt all the way up your spine.
BONUS TIP: Worse than cross streets is cross pedestrians. Noone knows when the foot-borne tribes got up to scratch with the law, but many are aware bicycles are vehicles under the law. They will recite statutes, lecture in shrill voices, grasp at your clothing. Nod sagely but don't dismount. You're not a criminal, remember?
But sometimes a citizen *has* to ride on the sidewalk. A bike-lane went all Houdini on you. It's safer than salmoning. It's faster. Whatever.
So you take a little walk on the wildside.
Look out.
You might catch your handlebar in the apron of a waiter delivering chicken soup to pavement diners, and end up being punched by a hungry mob while wallowing in broth.
You might have a little tete-a-tete with a car exiting a driveway.
You will certainly meet the quiet assassins: cross streets. The more insignificant the street, the more likely its gutters are precipices. Unless your frame is made of composites taken from a stoner's beanbag, you're gonna feel that jolt all the way up your spine.
BONUS TIP: Worse than cross streets is cross pedestrians. Noone knows when the foot-borne tribes got up to scratch with the law, but many are aware bicycles are vehicles under the law. They will recite statutes, lecture in shrill voices, grasp at your clothing. Nod sagely but don't dismount. You're not a criminal, remember?
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Tip 100: Get in the inside lane
Much like smoking cured banana peels, you have no idea if this is legal, but sometimes you have to do it anyway.
When traffic in the outside lane is an MC Escher clusterfuck of blundering taxis, death-crazed pedestrians and a learner driver ruining a reverse park, you crave the clean free asphalt of the inside lane.
You headcheck and go. It's so nice! It's so familiar! But sneakily its dangerous and different. You're out of your element. Traffic is passing you on the wrong side. Yipes. Like Marty McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy, you've got to get back home, and you just need the right amount of speed to get you there.
BONUS TIP: The mad professor that will arrive in the nick of time save you from being crushed by a head-check-hating, SUV-piloting mother-of-two is in this case not Doc Emmett played by Christopher Lloyd.
It is you, and the conveniently timed burst of lightning that will power you home is gonna have to come out of those legs.
When traffic in the outside lane is an MC Escher clusterfuck of blundering taxis, death-crazed pedestrians and a learner driver ruining a reverse park, you crave the clean free asphalt of the inside lane.
You headcheck and go. It's so nice! It's so familiar! But sneakily its dangerous and different. You're out of your element. Traffic is passing you on the wrong side. Yipes. Like Marty McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy, you've got to get back home, and you just need the right amount of speed to get you there.
It is you, and the conveniently timed burst of lightning that will power you home is gonna have to come out of those legs.
Sunday, 21 August 2011
Tip 48: Try mountain biking
Trees are the cars of mountain biking, but if one collides with you, it's harder to get your buddies to back you up that it wasn't your fault.
BONUS TIP: squirrels are the pedestrians of mountain biking - constantly emerging from nowhere and risking their skinny mammalian necks. Big jumps are the police cars of the forest - audacious riding will be punished and meekness rewarded. Swallow your pride, rookie. Dismount and walk past, if you have to.
BONUS TIP: squirrels are the pedestrians of mountain biking - constantly emerging from nowhere and risking their skinny mammalian necks. Big jumps are the police cars of the forest - audacious riding will be punished and meekness rewarded. Swallow your pride, rookie. Dismount and walk past, if you have to.
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