Tip 68: Disappoint a bike shop employee.

They are like Big Puppy Dogs, and the prospect of you buying a bike is like the prospect of a walk. Browsing round the shop, talking geometry and composite materials is like waving a lead and bouncing a tennis ball.
Before long they're drooling uncontrollably and bounding round, trying to sell you anything, anything - a Trek Madone? this used cruiser? a ladies' cargo recumbent?
When you walk out that door without laying down your MasterCard don't look back, or you'll see the saddest eyes in the universe.
BONUS TIP: Shop guy is no poodle push-over. He is smart like a border collie, and if you try this too often he will poo on your front lawn.

Tip 62: Carry something awkward

Sometimes you need to do cargo.
Unless your commute is to work as a double bassist in the symphony orchestra you're gonna struggle. Practice in advance of the unexpected.
Perhaps go by bike to fetch a new bath, buy a dozen cases of beer at the store, or ride your record-breaking squash to the county fair.

BONUS TIP: If you can carry more than 1000 bananas by bike, make sure you record the event and upload it to YouTube, because you are "hangin' with a cool bunch," as they say.

Tip 46: Panniers

Get the leather ones with tassels. Wear spurs and a large-brimmed hat that can trail behind you when you go fast.
Refer to your bike as a steed, chew tobacco and carry a revolver. Cars won't mess with you. No-one will.

BONUS TIP: Ride a tall bike, and measure its height in "hands". Refer to the guys you ride with as a posse. Start a brawl in a saloon. Fill your panniers with beef jerky. Yee-hah!

Tip 9: Put stuff in your spokes

Fuck decoration.  The rumour putting the "pst" back into hipster is that spokes are the new panniers.  Credit cards, cash, Hello Magazine,  french textbooks, an iPad, CDs, and sachets of Tang have all been spotted. Form follows function.

Bonus tip: Packed lunch.  A pita bread sandwich with Kraft Singles might fit in there.