Tip 72 : Stand for speed bumps

The genetics of the human race are imperilled.
iPhones, powerlines and those glow in the dark stars nine-year-old you stuck all over your bedroom have filled our living environment with enough radiation to have us all riding recumbents within a generation.
You're not going to wear lead undies, but there is one thing you can do to preserve the integrity of your gametes: protect them from impact by standing for speed bumps. 
This is especially true if you prefer boxer shorts or go commando.

BONUS TIP: Grab some mad air as you go over the speed bump, and if there are any suitable parties observing, you may just increase your chances of passing on those genes.

Tip 58: High visibilty vest

I'm a dork. I'm a big fat dork.

BONUS TIP: Dorky dork dork dork.

Tip 53: Increase your cadence

It should feel like your feet are comets bending space time with an unbelievably fast orbit of the planet Crank. Your legs will warm up from air friction rather than effort.

BONUS TIP: If you're going to spin so fast you bounce in the saddle, you may want to remove any genital piercings. Or not - up to you!

Tip 47: Grow fat

Spend plenty of time wondering why cycling doesn't make you thin.
Chew over that question while slathering four slices of toast with peanut butter before you roll 25 minutes into the office.
Stew on the dilemma while loading your bidons with powerade.
Ruminate on the paradox while rewarding yourself with a big pasta lunch. Add parmesan - it's high in protein!

BONUS TIP: Want a good way to know if your pedalling technique has a sufficiently powerful upstroke? You're doing it right if your quadricep makes contact with your spare tire with sufficient force to make an audible "blubbery-jubbery" noise.

Tip 46: Panniers

Get the leather ones with tassels. Wear spurs and a large-brimmed hat that can trail behind you when you go fast.
Refer to your bike as a steed, chew tobacco and carry a revolver. Cars won't mess with you. No-one will.

BONUS TIP: Ride a tall bike, and measure its height in "hands". Refer to the guys you ride with as a posse. Start a brawl in a saloon. Fill your panniers with beef jerky. Yee-hah!

Tip 44: Get yelled at by a limo driver

"Get out of my lane, you dumb effing racial epithet!"  That's the line that will cut you like hot wire, and leave you composing stinging comebacks in your head for three days. Starting, of course, at the exact time the limo goes out of earshot.

BONUS TIP: In a million twisted revenge scenarios you will never consider this: that limo driver is stuck in traffic while you roam the city free.

Tip 40: Drop your chain

The most common time to drop a chain is when overtaking someone only marginally slower.  Things feel awesome, for a moment.  The feeling Wile E. Coyote gets when he runs off a cliff.
You look down. You realise your feet are spinning not because you're suddenly Cadel Evans below the hip following the world's swiftest leg transplant, but because you are no longer connected. The rider you just overtook will not acknowledge you standing there as they pass.

BONUS TIP: Grasp that chain like it is a king cobra, fix it, then boldly wipe your hands on your linens.
And the rest of your day. Can just go to hell.

Tip 38: Make a show of obeying the law

You're gonna stop at a light? Own it. 

Acceptable flourishes include the super-slow stop, the look-around, the impeccable posture, and the excessively careful acceleration. Don't waste this chance to show the world cyclists are citizens, upright and true.

BONUS TIP: *Tsk*ing at anyone else you see bombing that intersection is acceptable, but yelling has greater effect.  

Tip 28: Stop in front of someone

Who's this douche-bag? Is that a dutch bike?  With flat tires? 
I reckon I can take him when this light turns green.  
I'll just stop here in the pedestrian crossing so I can take off first. 
Now, let me check my facebook.  What? No new notifications?  Maybe I'd be more popular if I got a new bike? Would that make a difference? It's probably my haircut.
Maybe I'll post about getting rid of this fringe. Could I go for a an undercut? maybe a mohawk, or would that look silly with this moustache? 
Wha? 
Why is the douche-bag overtaking me?  
Oh ... green light ... 

BONUS TIP: Ignore the death-stare when you stop in front of him at the next intersection.

Tip 25: Ignore the tour

Anti-Schlep? Haven't heard of it.
Oh.
Schleck? With a -ck, as in "don't give a fuck"?
Sorry. Not trying to be rude.
Sure sometimes I race people on the bike, but that doesn't mean I want to watch other people do it. I don't watch porno either.
No really, if I wanted to see a bunch of skinny dudes with labels on their chests I would just go to that club on Getrude street.
You haven't been? The DJ there is just amazing.
BONUS TIP: Seriously, three weeks of watching TV every night til 2? What is this, college?

Tip 19: Slip off your pedal and hit your shin

If cycling is a spreadsheet of good and bad, then lurching down as you slip off your pedal and feel the sharp part of it tear the thin cover of flesh and nerves on your shinbone is a big entry in the bad column that will cause the total to just look like #####. 

 BONUS TIP: Adjust column width.

Tip 7: Ride a Folding Bike

In your cupboard: undies, ironed and folded. 
In your top pocket: a clean handkerchief, folded exactly.
A pair of those folding glasses balancing on your nose. 
Beneath you: a Brompton or Dahon, its tiny wheels spinning as you head from the origami school where you work to your weekly poker game, where you won't play a hand all night...

BONUS TIP: From here, the only way to multiply your "adorkability" is to make this your party trick.