Tip 113: Taco a wheel

There are parts of this town a bike should not go to after dark. 

It's a sad day when we have to say the victim should have known better, but certain places attracts a certain kind of passer-by who think a bike is asking to have their wheel stomped.  

They make tacos out wheels and they laugh in the face of justice. 

Be. Careful. Out. There.

BONUS TIP: Rumours of citizens of this town returning to their bike to find the wheels not only taco-ed but stuffed with beans, jalapenos, spiced mince and sour cream are - the police insist - urban myth.  Leading constable Peta McDonald said in a statement this month that a comprehensive search of non-classified bike crime files provided no support for persistent rumours of a twisted bike psychopath defiling the city's bikes with a cruel parody of one of the globe's tastiest cuisines.

Tip 104: Give the bird

Compared to consigning your enemies to years of sensory deprivation broken up only by CIA officers doing weird stuff to their junk, giving someone the bird seems pretty mild as far as 21st century retribution goes. 
But - when given with a full arm motion - it is almost as satisfying as denying someone's rights.

BONUS TIP: If anyone in the cycling community has a secret service with or without aircraft, owns land in which the status of law is unclear, or is open to holding dangerous motorists in morally dubious circumstances please leave contact details below and we'll see if we can hook something up.

Tip 75: Put your lights in your pockets

Forget the effect on your slinky silhouette, you can't leave those Knogs on the bike. 
You're going to have to put them in your pockets or they'll be gone before you're down the block.  Jam them in there with your phone and wallet, and if it looks like your pants have the mumps, so be it

BONUS TIP:  If they accidentally turn on later when you're on the dance-floor, it will look like there's a whole other disco going on in your pants. Can that be a bad thing?

Tip 59: Have your bike stolen

If your love is taken from you too soon - in the phase where you lock up both wheels and fall asleep with it in your arms- when you return to the lamp post and find your D-lock in twain you are likely to fill a page with florid despairing verse and fling yourself from the roof of a Ray's Bikes outlet.
Later, you pass full days without even thinking about the machine you swore devotion to. At this stage, if the shadow-dwelling hacksaw man absconds with your ride, you won't be half way through the cab trip home before thinking about what you'll replace it with.

BONUS TIP: Tell yourself you'll buy a cheap commuter you can afford to have taken. Once in the bike shop, you'll wonder if you can afford not to get a SRAM red set up.

Tip 30: Change how you carry your lock

That U-lock holster that seemed so "deck" on that cycling website turned out to be a big pile of shit.  That frame mount broke. And the spinal bruising from carrying it in the crumpler is getting passe.
I have a brilliant idea - I'll just hang it off the handlebars!

BONUS TIP: If you haven't considered buying a gold bike chain lock and wearing it like Mr T, you haven't been riding long enough yet, fool.

Tip 11: Leave your bike

There's something totally charming about leaving your bike in a public place, say, outside work, and seeing it there each time you go past.
It's there when you go out for coffee, marking that patch of pavement as yours.  It's there when you head to your afternoon meeting. 
It's there when you walk in from the train station the next day and it's there for the rest of the week until this "awful weather" passes. You're like a tomcat who has marked the territory, and you can hold your tail high.
You don't need to worry about bike theft as much as you think.  They call it passive surveillance - the way a bike parked in a busy street won't be molested, for the most surprisingly long time, except by spiders.

BONUS TIP:  That story about the guy who had a nest of white tails in his seat, and they crawled into his bib shorts on a long descent and he got flesh-eating necrosis of the balls? True story. Happened to my cousin's friend. He's OK now but says always use mortein on your saddle before a ride.