Tip 55: Overtake someone who is trying their heart out

They are on the road in front of you. They are getting closer quickly, but it's obvious they're trying. They are out of the saddle and their bottom is wobbling side to side like a dog wagging its tail.
Before long you're right on their wheel and you have to throw their feelings onto the train tracks and run over them like the locomotive you are. Make an excuse for them - maybe they're at the end of a very long ride?
Eyes straight ahead, you do it.

BONUS TIP: Shut your mouth as you pass to make it look like you're not even breathing hard.

Tip 50: Ride after your lights fail

Darkness is a primal fear of any animal who a) does not sit at the top of the food chain like a hungry Californian sits at the business end of a sushi train; b) is not nocturnal, eyeless, a mole or deep-sea creature.
When the double-As in your LEDs fail, you will be forced to confront that fear.
Ride on? Risking bunyip attack, accidental cross-country sections and the insouciant violence of those big, blind, mole-like creatures, the cars?
Or abandon all hope, dismount, and transform into a humble pedestrian?

BONUS TIP: There are those who do not fear the dark, do not shrink or cower, but use it for their own nefarious purposes - bike ninjas!

TIP 26: Worry about noises

Fzzzzzzzzzzzz. Hmmm.

Flt flt flt flt. What the?

Click click click Shit click click click Shit click click click Shit click click click Shit click click click Shit

Grrzzhhhhdnk. Sounds like I'm asking for extra overtime this week.

Clunk grrr pop.  Well, I have never heard *that* before. Gonna need to spend some time on Sheldon Brown tonight...

BONUS TIP: Earplugs?

Tip 15: Coast

A crazy idea has infiltrated cycling. The idea the most "zen" thing you can do on a bicycle is allow a mechanical contraption to force your legs to go round.
No, fixie crews. No.
Uh-uh.
You want to know what part of cycling is most like the z-word (derived from the Sanskrit word dhyāna, which can be approximately translated as "meditation" or "meditative state".)
Coasting.
There's a bit of magic in being still while going fast.
Humans have always envied birds their swooping freedom. When you coast, you own that freedom.

BONUS TIP: You may have to concede coasting delivers very little meditation or freedom on the uphills.

Tip 14: Hit a taxi, then take a detour

Ride down a hill and through an intersection, fast. Weave out to dodge the car in the bike lane. Weave back in to dodge the traffic, which is slowing.
Get on your brakes, as a taxi slows more than expected.  Get off the brakes because your wheels are about to lock up.
Moment of panic.
Hit the back of the taxi.
Thunk.
No damage. Peer in and see no sign passenger or driver is even aware of what you've done. Continue up the bike lane.  Consider looking over your shoulder. Instead take the next left and next right, to lose them.

BONUS TIP: Take three to four days of shame, guilt and trying not to think about it before you can tell this story to anyone.

Tip 7: Ride a Folding Bike

In your cupboard: undies, ironed and folded. 
In your top pocket: a clean handkerchief, folded exactly.
A pair of those folding glasses balancing on your nose. 
Beneath you: a Brompton or Dahon, its tiny wheels spinning as you head from the origami school where you work to your weekly poker game, where you won't play a hand all night...

BONUS TIP: From here, the only way to multiply your "adorkability" is to make this your party trick.

Tip 6: Change your tire with a knife (multiple tubes necessary)

Those bike shops are always reaching deeper into your pockets. You go in to buy a handful of spokey-dokes, and you come out with a french-made, full carbon bottle cage that costs as much as your bike.
The worst is the things they put on the counter to tempt you: Patch repair kits that cost more per gram than truffles, and those tyre levers - which are just bits of moulded plastic - for $29.  You won't fall into that trap!
And then it's time to change that tube, so you go into the kitchen and find the bluntest looking butter knife. The risks here, as you put the tyre back on over that virgin tube, are evident, so you exercise extreme caution.
Pump it up, and listen.
Fssssssssssssssssss.

BONUS TIP: When you go to the shop to buy a half-dozen replacement tubes, accept that your pride won't let you spring for the tyre levers just yet. 

Tip 5: Hang onto a tram

Public transport is taxpayer funded.  Even if you've cleverly engineered your financial circumstances to minimise income tax - by, say, becoming a video installation artist - you still pay tax. All those daily transactions involve a greasy government middle-man taking his GST.
Every pair of Vans includes $10 that goes straight to the government. Every soy latte is another 35 cents jangling in the taxman's pockets.
Don't imagine you've lost those precious pennies just because you are a cyclist.  Public transport is there for you.  Hang on tight as the number 96 ascends Bourke St. You deserve it.
The newer trams are more of a struggle for hand holds as The Man tries to shut the humble cyclist out, but anyone with rock climbing experience will be able to stick a digit in a crack, stop pedalling and benefit from propulsion they already paid for.

BONUS TIP: Wanna prove you've got the juice in your caboose? Take your mountain bike onto the train tracks and hang onto the 9.15 running express to Richmond.

Tip 4: Run a Red

Colour blindness afflicts men more than women.  Keep that factlet in your back pocket.  Cause if you cycle properly eventually you'll be having a little chat about the rule of law with some uniformed  protozoa with father issues.
He won't appreciate your perspective on the way the nanny state oppresses, so get all sciencey on his arse. How can you have known what colour that light was with your debilitating disability?
Even if it doesn't stop you getting the old baton to the back of the knees, you'll be able to crumple to the ground aware you've given him the sort of knowledge that distinguishes him from his peers and all but locks in his next promotion.

BONUS TIP: A lady cop just needs a wink from an outlaw and it'll be her going all weak at the knees.

Tip 3: Get a Crumpler

Crumpler is hot. Crumpler is now. Crumpler is function. Crumpler is form. Crumpler is debonaire. Crumpler is devil may care.  Crumpler is nylon. Crumpler is style.  Crumpler is sex. Crumpler is love. Crumpler is the night. Crumpler is Soho. Crumpler is John Lennon. Crumpler is Yoko Ono. Crumpler is next summer's teenage anthem. Crumpler is a black and white show reel. Crumpler is the sky above. Crumpler is the road beneath.
Other bag brands make baby jesus cry.

BONUS TIP: Crumpler make back sweat real bad