Sunday, 20 November 2011

Tip 123: Ride through poo

Despite the best efforts of the auto-industrial plutocrats, cars are yet to obtain exclusive dominion over the paved surfaces of our metropolises.
The road must be shared. Not only with bicycles mind you, but with all manner of excreting beings.

  • Horse poo - while not too stinky - tends lumpy, and is most likely to knock your bike from under you. Found not only on long rides through rural parts, but in the centre, where smiling out-of-towners fritter away large amounts to take short loops using out-of-date transport.
  • Bird poo is the least objectionable, unless you ride through it before it hits the ground. At mouth-height, say.
  • Dog poo has few fans. Depending on the animal's diet, it can create a hazardous slipping effect under a slick tire. Those with low clearance on their brake will find the mechanism becomes rapidly  clogged with hard-to-shift brown stuff.  

BONUS TIP: Fenders, front and rear.  Having the brown sequins up your back is a dubious mark of honour when they have a silent smell, but when it's poo, it's a clear bugle call you have stopped caring, and may soon cease wearing pants.

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