Tip 106: Wimp out

Others ride, you drive. You cruise the roads with your elbow in the air, singing the Beach Boys and making those harmonies ring. Your hair is like a sculpture by Damien Hirst, your armpits are as dry as the surface of the moon, and you draw people's eye as you meander here and there in the chinos everyone will be wearing next season.
You feel electric that night and have literally the best bowl of muesli ever next morning. 

BONUS TIP: Each time everyone sits around to reminisce about the time they rode out to Upper Fieldton you will fall silent, stare into your beer stein, espresso cup or bidon. Your jaw will slacken and your posture will droop and as they laugh you will feel the pealing regret of a life half-lived.

Tip 91: Fall in love with your bike path

It's got some dead leaves on it.
You love those leaves.
There's grass growing through a crack.
You love that grass, and you love the crack for giving that grass a chance.
There is some gravel on it.
You think the right amount of gravel is to the perfect bike path as the right amount of vegemite is to the perfect piece of toast.
It goes under a freeway, which is the finest rendering of the brutalist design theory you can imagine.
It has the *most* delectable series of gentle lefts and sweeping rights.
And sometimes there are birds flying around freely, as though this is a symbolic diorama made by a creator figure, and you a smiling, bicycle-riding creature made of pipe cleaners.

BONUS TIP: Treat that skinny strip of tarmac with respect and affection. Next time you are riding, take a moment. Dismount, sit down, and ask how it feels.  Then listen - really listen - to what it says.

Tip 80: Ride sauced

At .05: Consider the application of drink driving statutes to two- wheeled vehicles.
At .10: Consider riding with no hands and/or bunny hopping road furniture for lols.
At .15: Consider riding with one eye closed, so there are no longer two of every car you pass.
At .20: Consider whether, if the pros can ride and eat without stopping; you might be able to ride and spew.
At .25: consider how impressive it would be if you rode home nude, like Mario Cipollini.

BONUS TIP: UBIs - or unidentified beer injuries - are the police, judge and eventually the 12-step program for the habitually pissy cyclist.

Tip 76: Make someone go "woah"

Many people think a bicycle is like a merry-go-round horse: great fun but not much chop for travel. 
Arrange to meet one of them somewhere far away. Rock in wearing jeans and a knit, and hang your helmet on the back of the chair.
They'll go: "Wait. You *rode* here? woah!"

BONUS TIP: At the end of the event you will have to defend yourself from many offers of putting your bike in a car and being driven somewhere. 
Your duties are two-fold. First, decline all offers, feigning indifference to the weather's inclemency. Second, do not crash on the way home. 

Tip 74: Get stupid

Riding a bike can be just like drinking liquor.
You feel amazing, right up until you do something you regret. Something you would never do.
A dangerous affair involving a  police car, a pile of traffic cones and a girl you just met while lying in the gutter. Something that makes you wake up with a dry mouth, a sick feeling and a hungry guilt monster gnawing at your viscera.

BONUS TIP: Make some pledges you'll never be able to keep:
"I'll never go that fast again."
"I'm gonna wear a helmet, every time."
"I think it's time for a high visibility vest."

Tip 61: Perfect riding temperature

Winter afternoons, spring evenings, summer 4am. Especially when there is no traffic.  The air flowing over your forearms is like mothers milk. 

BONUS TIP: Go slow.