Tip 80: Ride sauced

At .05: Consider the application of drink driving statutes to two- wheeled vehicles.
At .10: Consider riding with no hands and/or bunny hopping road furniture for lols.
At .15: Consider riding with one eye closed, so there are no longer two of every car you pass.
At .20: Consider whether, if the pros can ride and eat without stopping; you might be able to ride and spew.
At .25: consider how impressive it would be if you rode home nude, like Mario Cipollini.

BONUS TIP: UBIs - or unidentified beer injuries - are the police, judge and eventually the 12-step program for the habitually pissy cyclist.

Tip 61: Perfect riding temperature

Winter afternoons, spring evenings, summer 4am. Especially when there is no traffic.  The air flowing over your forearms is like mothers milk. 

BONUS TIP: Go slow.

Tip 5: Hang onto a tram

Public transport is taxpayer funded.  Even if you've cleverly engineered your financial circumstances to minimise income tax - by, say, becoming a video installation artist - you still pay tax. All those daily transactions involve a greasy government middle-man taking his GST.
Every pair of Vans includes $10 that goes straight to the government. Every soy latte is another 35 cents jangling in the taxman's pockets.
Don't imagine you've lost those precious pennies just because you are a cyclist.  Public transport is there for you.  Hang on tight as the number 96 ascends Bourke St. You deserve it.
The newer trams are more of a struggle for hand holds as The Man tries to shut the humble cyclist out, but anyone with rock climbing experience will be able to stick a digit in a crack, stop pedalling and benefit from propulsion they already paid for.

BONUS TIP: Wanna prove you've got the juice in your caboose? Take your mountain bike onto the train tracks and hang onto the 9.15 running express to Richmond.