Tip 95: Decide whether you are avid or keen.

On first encounters, cyclists appear like a unified front.
After a while, you will notice a distinction. Some people describe themselves as avid cyclists, others as keen cyclists. This is the secret language of a fault line that divides cycling as sharply as a Japanese knife.
Like the jets and the sharks, the crips and the bloods, or the Capulets and Montagues, these groups have stalked each other since the P-far first rolled. If it is a history rarely spoken of that is because the tales that comprise it are too bitter: families rent asunder, blood spilled, lives wasted.

BONUS TIIP: If you are under 30, or have tattoos, you may also elect to join one of two dangerous splinter groups, extreme cyclists, and hardcore cyclists. But if you do, you better watch your back. That's all.

Tip 21: Get overtaken by a faster cyclist

Getting overtaken is like milk - it comes in two forms. One cold and easy to digest, the other lumpy, sour and makes you choke.

Type 1 is over before it began. Before you know a blur in your peripheral vision resolves into a lycra clad ghost that disappears over the horizon. You barely have time to register a pair of tightly defined calves moving like hairless metronomes before they're gone.

Type 2 is slow. The sound of grinding gears approaches. There is breathing. You may speed up, to discourage a pass, you may slow down to expedite it.  It matters not.  After what seems like forever, the (slightly) faster cyclist takes their chance and moves ahead, torso twisting violently as they push their plastic pedals, sweat evident on their brow.  

They make slow progress on increasing the gap, leaving you to catalogue a million reasons you aren't going fast today.

BONUS TIP: Of course you can remind yourself it's not a race. But you'll gain about as much satisfaction as from tickling yourself.

Tip 10: Ride in a pack

The group ride is back. Bunch up like a pair of target undies and get out there.
You're like a fish in a school, like a duck in a flying V. 
 Unless you're some sort of book-reading libertarian or bearded librarian, the presence of your fellow humans will fill you with something. Something we've almost forgotten in this world of morning meetings, double monitors and Swiss-made swivel chairs  - emotion. 
The primordial soup that makes up your brain will release a feeling like a caveman pursuing a buffalo alongside his grimy, hairy cousins, and you may let loose a roar.

BONUS TIP: Once you've built up a bit of speed, endless LOLs can be obtained by gently rubbing your front tire on your peleton-mate's rear tire.