Tip 134: Try to be proud of having shit gear

We all know skill and gear are not correlated.
This is the essence of fredism - that people out there have bought all the gear the websites recommend, have watched all the YouTube videos, know the names of all the different parts of the bike, but are yet to actually ride.
When you see some faker on a $4000 machine with shiny new kit, while you schlub past in a t shirt, you really wanna believe he is that Fred.
You tell yourself Steel is Real, Aluminium is Also-Premium, and that what matters is you're out there turning over the pedals.
But inside you know what that guy is thinking: "Look at this fucking noob."  Your shoulders slump, and you can't quite maintain the level gaze of the proud predator.

BONUS TIP: One helpful trick is to calculate each extra level of Shimano as over-time.
Sora is 9 to 5;
Tiagra is keeping muesli in your bottom drawer so you can eat breakfast while you peruse your emails;
105 is greeting your boss each morning when she comes in and farewelling her each night;
Ultegra is not just wearing through both trousers in your two-trouser suit, but also eroding the fabric of your swivel chair;
Dura Ace is using a beautiful blue sky Saturday for a ride up in the lift to work on that important client's document;
Di2 is a stress-induced penchant for creepy websites, an ex-wife whose hate-filled phone calls you don't answer, a lot of emails sent with post 11pm time stamps, and a heart-attack aged 39.

Tip 133: Suffer from considerate driving.

Imagine a road like this : a bike lane, one lane of car traffic in each direction, clogged with slow moving cars.
As you roll past the many cranky commuters that blame everyone else for their morning logjam, a minor side street approaches.
Unbeknownst to you, the snake of snarling traffic contains one kind soul, who, with beatific smile, leaves a small gap at the mouth of the cross street, and waves through a driver from the oncoming lane who has been stuck there, indicator on, perhaps since last Tuesday.
The turner, scarcely believing this apparition of kindliness, applies all the force of their fatty legs to the accelerator pedal and swings through the gap, across the bike lane where you are trundling along.
Rather than simply hitting your brakes, the correct approach is to ask yourself what would happen if you were starring in a John Woo directed action blockbuster.

• If the car is a low coupe or convertible: bunny-hop over it. 
• If it is a Jeep or truck with plenty of clearance: slide under. 
• If it is driven by your arch-nemesis: grab the wing mirror, punch out the passenger window, duck a few bullets, wrest control of the steering wheel and kick him/her out the driver's door. 

BONUS TIP: Return to the scene of the incident, and in the interests of road safety, give the generous car driver the middle finger. That ought to change their mood to sullen, which will make their behavior much more predictable.